How To Solve Your 3 Biggest Marriage Communication Problems

Practical and specific action steps from a Christian marriage therapist, to help solve the 3 most common marriage communication problems.

Why are marriage communication problems such a... problem?

Every marriage has its ups and downs. And one of the biggest areas to impact those ups and downs is communication.

But this has a big impact on how much we enjoy our marriage!

Communication impacts your intimacy. It shapes how (and if) you feel loved, valued, safe, and cared for. And certainly, communication impacts how you handle joint areas like parenting, finances, faith, and much more.

But every couple has some communication breakdowns.

Even couples who love each other deeply and share Christian values together can struggle with communication.

Even when things might feel hopeless, there are action steps you can take to strengthen your marriage communication. And in the process you’ll build a deeper bond and experience greater intimacy and connection.

Yes, please! Let’s get to it.

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What are the 3 most common marriage communication problems?

I’ve been a marriage and family therapist for over 10 years, and I’ve helped a lot of struggling marriages. Of course, every couple is unique.

But there are definitely some common areas that many couples struggle with.

The 3 most common of these marriage communication problems are:

Conflict/Fighting
Lack of communication
Difficulty discussing specific topics.

None of these are fun. But all of them can be changed!

And when you start experiencing change in these 3 areas, it is such a blessing to your marriage.

Below, I want to share some specific tips that I use again and again as a marriage therapist. These action steps aren’t a magic wand, but they will help you make progress with communication, and strengthen your Christian marriage.

Marriage Communication Problem #1: Conflict or Fighting

Couples who love each other deeply and share deep Christian values will still have areas where they disagree. That’s normal for every human relationship.

The question is, what do you do when you disagree?

I hope that this does not need to be said, but just in case – conflict should never include violence, intimidation, threats, or any kind of safety concerns. Conflict can turn violent, and that is never okay. Those are definitely situations where professional support is needed.

For most couples, conflict will include things like yelling, blaming each other, and speaking negatively. The more that emotions are rising, the harder it is to continue a helpful, logical, valuable conversation.

When that happens, this free conflict resolution cheat sheet will be really handy. It’s designed so you can pull it out and walk through the steps without having to try to remember what to do.

And in the bigger picture, these are some 3 strategies that I work on with couples, to reduce conflict and fighting in the marriage overall:

(1) Action Step: Build emotional intimacy in your marriage.

When you aren’t fighting and arguing, prioritize date nights, quality time, meaningful conversations, and physical intimacy in the bedroom.

You might not feel like being intimate together when communication is a big problem.

But this will help you communicate better! Intimacy will build a bond. It breaks down walls. It helps you understand each other.

And if you want some help with the physical intimacy in your Christian marriage, these online courses are my go-to recommendation.

(2) Action Step: Learn your own emotional control skills.

Can you tell when you’re getting angry or upset?

Everyone has warning signs. And if you can notice them and handle them before you really escalate, conflict will be a lot easier to manage!

Some common things to pay attention to:

feeling warm/hot
tight stomach or shoulders
racing thoughts
feel like you want to cry or yell
breathing faster
voice getting louder

Noticing a warning sign like these? Take a break NOW – before things get louder, angrier, and less productive.

My free conflict resolution cheat sheet will help in the heat of the moment.

(3) Action Step: Practice ahead of time for hard conversations.

Talking through a hot-button issue is never fun, but you can have hard conversations in a productive way.

Actually, you can BUILD connection and intimacy through hard conversations!

Try to figure out ahead of time what’s really important to you and how you can say it while staying calm. What are your priorities? Why is this important? Pray, journal, and practice your wording ahead of time.

If you can, it also helps to schedule the conversation so you know you’re both alert, not hungry, calm, and can focus on each other.

Connect with your husband as you strengthen your physical intimacy:

Marriage Communication Problem #2: Lack of Communication

Another really common problem area is simply a lack of communication. If you aren’t talking… how can you stay connected?

And time together means more than just watching TV or scrolling your phones while you happen to be in the same room together.

A lack of communication can look different for each couple. Ultimately, of course, it means that you aren’t having any regular, meaningful, build-a-connection type of conversations.

Sometimes, you literally may not see each other very much. Other times, you may struggle to want to talk, because of hurt or bad habits or lack of trust.

But it is possible to rebuild paths of communication.

If you want to go deeper into Scriptural elements of communication, grab my 40-day devotional for Christian wives: Communicating to Connect in marriage.

If this is your biggest marriage communication problem, try these 3 steps:

(1) Action Step: Schedule time together.

It’s really easy for marriage to slowly become a logistical, roommate-style relationship. Who’s picking up the kids? Who’s handling the dishes tonight?

These things matter… but they aren’t exactly the fun, connecting, intimate communication a marriage also needs!

Here are a few ideas for getting more time together:

Hire a sitter and plan a date night (even just to take a walk)
Make a 10-minute couch check-in a habit at the end of the day
Tweak your work schedules so you’re home at the same time more often.
Find some shared hobbies to try out, so you’re together during that down time.
Put mini-dates (or even schedule your intimacy ahead of time!) on the calendar – time together, at home, no money, just some conversation.

(2) Action Step: Figure out the “why” and solve that problem.

Why is communication lacking? There is always a reason.

Yes, it might be because you’re just not together very often without the kids or a busy activity.

But maybe, it’s because someone was hurt and is struggling to forgive. Maybe it’s a lack of intimacy and therefore interest in talking. Do you have a big rift in the marriage?

Identify it and deal with it. It’s worth that effort, even if it’s awkward or painful at first!

(3) Action Step: Build your “love maps” to build a friendship.

When we’re dating, we tend to ask questions, share openly, give compliments, and focus on getting to know each other.

Well, start doing that again!

Over time, people change. This is normal. But if you aren’t intentional, and if communication has been a problem for awhile, you might not really know your spouse today.

Wondering where to start? Here are a few questions to chat about:

Who are your best friends right now?
What hobbies are you loving lately?
What do you think about first thing in the morning or last thing at night?
Has God been showing you anything amazing lately?
What’s really stressing you out lately?
How can I be praying for you?

Get a biblical perspective on marriage communication with this 40-day devotional:

Marriage Communication Problem #3: Difficulty With Specific Topics

Everyone has “hot button topics” that easily get them passionate, emotional, upset, or excited.

And when a husband and wife are passionate about the same topic, but perhaps without sharing the same opinions, that can be really tough.

As a marriage counselor, the most common topics that I see causing trouble in a marriage are discussions about:

sex,
in-laws,
vacations/holidays,
finances, and
parenting.

But these are all important parts of regular life, and you can’t just avoid talking about them.

If you have hot button topics in your marriage that are difficult to discuss, try these steps:

(1) Action Step: Take time to pray and journal over these topics.

Take time to better understand yourself and your own perspective. This will help you talk about these things more calmly and feel more confident.

Sometimes, the hardest part of marriage communication is figuring out our own thoughts so we can talk about them clearly!

So take the time to figure this out. Whatever big issue is coming up… what do YOU really think about it? Why?

Getting clarity for yourself can help you speak about it more clearly and calmly.

(2) Action Step: Use the speaker-listener technique when you talk about it.

This is a classic marriage counseling intervention. I love using it! It’s simple to understand but can be tricky to make into a habit.

In the speaker-listener technique, both people get a chance to share their point of view while knowing that the other person is hearing them. You don’t have to agree, but it helps you hear and understand and connect.

Here are the steps:

Person A shares their thoughts on the topic (briefly).
Person B summarizes what they heard Person A say. You might not agree – that’s okay! Just reflect it back to them. “I heard you say…”
Person A can confirm they were heard correctly, or clarify something if needed.
Person B then shares their own thoughts not he topic (briefly).
Person A will summarize what they heard Person B say.

And continue on as needed.

Basically, this technique slows down the hard conversation so you can both be heard.

It’s a lot easier to get on the same page if you really understand each other. And it’s a lot better for your relationship to slow down, listen, and seek to understand.

And if you’re getting heated or upset, remember to use my free conflict resolution cheat sheet to slow things down.

(3) Action Step: Find common ground.

Certainly, there are important things in life that you and your husband DO agree on.

Communication might feel stalled or frustrating, but just take a step back for a minute. Where are you in agreement? What topics do you already agree on?

Do you already agree…

that enjoying family time is a priority?
that you want to feel loved, heard, and respected?
that paying your bills on time is important?
that you want your home to be low-stress?

You might disagree about many things, including how to achieve these c0mmon goals! But there are things you agree on.

Remind yourselves of that common ground, and build on that instead of building on the conflict.

But... what if marriage communication problems come back?

Every marriage has ups and downs – even strong, stable, happy marriages! It’s a normal part of life.

So if you find yourself fighting again or having trouble talking about important topics, just pause. Think about what’s going on. Reflect on what’s helped in the past, and try it again.

And of course, pray over your marriage. Ask for the Lord’s help. He has the wisdom and grace that every marriage needs!

If one of the resources I mentioned above might be helpful to you, hop right in as a good next step:

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Disclaimers: I am a licensed therapist but my podcast, blog, and resources are not professional or personal advice. I am an affiliate for many of the resources that I link to, and may earn a small commission if you purchase through my link. Read my full disclaimer here.