Try out these Christian marriage intimacy tips (from a marriage counselor!) to get more enjoyment and build connection in your marriage.
Does Christian marriage intimacy matter?
My friend, let’s answer this question right off the bat. Does intimacy in your marriage really matter?
Yes! Intimacy matters.
For starters, physical intimacy has a big impact on satisfaction in marriage. And that’s a big one!
But even more than this, intimacy in marriage matters to God. In fact, right there in the first book of the Bible, we see God calling Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply. This was God’s very first command to people. Literally, the first thing that He told Adam and Eve was to go enjoy some good ol’ fashioned marital intimacy.
Intimacy in your Christian marriage matters.
So today, I’ll share 9 tips for how you can enjoy amazing intimacy in the bedroom – even when you’re tired, busy, or arguing with your husband. As a Christian marriage counselor, I have shared these tips with hundreds of couples, and I know how helpful they are.
Yes, you’re busy and marriage can be a lot of work. But investing time and energy into building greater intimacy in your marriage is worth it.
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3 common marriage problems
Before we dive into my tips for enjoying greater intimacy in the bedroom, it’s worth acknowledging that marriage is hard work.
Yes, even Christian marriages take a lot of work!
As a Christian marriage counselor, there are 3 common problems that bring people into counseling more than anything else: communication, forgiveness, and intimacy.
Today, we’ll take a look at the most fun item on the list; finding practical ways to enjoy physical intimacy more in the bedroom!
But I don’t want to just skip past the real-life struggles that so many Christian marriages are facing. So, let me share a simple resource for each of these 3 common problems, and then we’ll dive into today’s tips.
- Communication: Start with my FREE Conflict Resolution Checklist. And if you want to go deeper, grab the Communicating to Connect 40-day devotional.
- Forgiveness: Pray, pray some more, and read this blogpost: Should you “forgive and forget” within your marriage?
- Intimacy: Today’s tips will be great, but if you want help with specifics on what to do and how to do it, ny go-to recommendation is the “Christian Sex Lady” Sheila Wray Gregoire and her helpful digital courses for Christian marriage intimacy.
Okay. With those practical resources in your back pocket, let’s dive into 9 hot tips for building amazing intimacy in your Christian marriage!
Tips for enjoying Christian marriage intimacy
One of the most amazing things about marriage is that one spouse can make a huge difference in the relationship.
While it’s true that you do not have the power to control your spouse or make them start (or stop) doing something, you do have control over yourself. And that can make a world of difference!
So please, make sure to read these 9 tips as ideas for you to try and not as things you want to try to force your spouse to try. They might be interested or not, but they will of course enjoy greater intimacy in the bedroom as that happens. Just focus on yourself: action steps that you can try and changes that you can make happen.
Tip 1: Schedule sex.
I know. This does not sound glamorous at all.
But here’s the thing about this totally un-sexy tip… it works.
In fact, this tip works in two really powerful ways.
FIRST, if you actually schedule sex into your regular weekly calendar, it is a lot more likely to actually happen.
So yes, it sounds boring on paper, but it will be very difficult to enjoy amazing intimacy in the bedroom if you aren’t actually in the bedroom together very often.
That is a “duh” statement… but in the life of a busy Christian mom and a chaotic family schedule, it is also a reality check!
- If you schedule sex, it will happen more frequently.
- With more frequency, you have more chances to practice together.
- Practice might not make things perfect… but it gives you a lot more chances to learn what you like, try new things, and get better and better.
Plus, greater frequency means more oxytocin being released. This is commonly known as the “love hormone,” and your brain releases it when you have sex. Not only do you enjoy the moment, but oxytocin helps you feel more connected to your husband in the day-to-day of life.
SECOND, scheduling sex gives you a lot of time to mentally prepare.
You can enjoy fantasizing, planning, daydreaming, and let yourself get in the mood, because you know when and where this is going to happen.
And especially for women, a lot of our enjoyment in the bedroom comes down to how we’re thinking about things!
And when this appointment on the calendar pops up, you might still feel tired or have just had an argument. Have sex anyway. Wait to clean the dishes until afterward, if you know you’ll be too tired at the very end of the evening. Or use some conflict resolution strategies at least enough to put the argument on hold.
Enjoy the time you’ve set aside for each other. Just follow the calendar.
Tip 2: Spend money on something fun and different.
The main point of this tip is actually the second half: to enjoy something fun and different.
But the reality is, if you spend money on it (even a little bit), you are showing an investment in your marriage beyond time and emotion. And we are all more likely to use something if we’ve actually spent money on it.
So even if it’s just a can of whipped cream and some strawberries… spend that $5.00 and try something fun and different.
Now, there are a few common questions that come up when I suggest this tip to a couple in the counseling room. So let’s tackle those right now.
- What sort of fun thing should you try?
This is totally up to you and your husband. Of course, don’t do anything you aren’t both comfortable with. But be willing to experiment a little bit! There are Christian books and great online resources that offer some ideas, but it’s easiest to start with your own creativity.
- What if you get totally embarrassed as you try something new?
Try to laugh together! You’re both trying to enjoy each other. If your husband laughs, assume the best – it’s a funny moment, not an evil laugh at your expense.
- Is God really okay with us having fun in the bedroom?
God does set boundaries on intimacy and marriage. But He also identifies himself as our Husband and even has an entire book about marriage intimacy (it’s called Song of Solomon, or sometimes called Song of Songs). God wants you to have fun in your Christian marriage!
- if we try something and it is a total flop?
Shrug your shoulders and try something different next time. There is no way that everything you try will be a home run success. But you’ll learn, and you can try again!
And let me share one final note in this tip… this can be extra fun if you make it a surprise! Whip out that can of whipped cream and see how high your husband’s eyebrows can really go.
Tip 3: Get your head on straight.
This tip is so important if you want to enjoy Christian marriage intimacy! Your thought life has a HUGE influence on how much you are enjoying (… or not enjoying) intimacy with your husband.
In my experience as a Christian marriage counselor, wives struggle with this more than husbands. If you’re feeling angry, frustrated, sad, stressed, you don’t need to ignore your emotions but you can find ways to set them aside and focus on enjoying the moment.
Here are a few ways where I see negative thoughts interrupting a couple’s enjoyment in the bedroom:
- distractions… focusing on the to-do list, things that didn’t get done, or other things
- self image… feeling uncomfortable, focusing on your flaws, or thinking negatively about yourself
- negativity… thinking about everything that’s wrong in your marriage, work, or family life
- conflict… dwelling on areas of unforgiveness, pain, or hurt
If you want to enjoy intimacy in your marriage, think about fun, intimate, steamy things… especially when you are in the bedroom together!
Remember what we talked about at the beginning? God values the intimacy in your marriage. He brought you and your husband together on purpose, and He wants you to enjoy marriage and family life!
First, stop the negative, distracting thoughts. Don’t beat yourself up about them. Just redirect your thoughts back to your husband. Try to be fully present in the moment and enjoy the things you are doing together.
Then, start thinking about positive, uplifting things that you enjoy about your marriage. What do you find most attractive in your husband? How do you most enjoy your bedroom time together?
Also, think about what you find most attractive about yourself. Focus on your best qualities. What you enjoy. Things you are good at.
You (and your husband!) are much more likely to enjoy your physical intimacy if your brain and body are both fully in the moment together.
Tip 4. Touch, think, and talk during the day.
When you think about Christian marriage intimacy, it’s easy to focus on what’s happening at night after the kids are in bed. And yes, that’s the most likely time you’ll have sex with your husband!
But you can really spice things up during the day.
Make sure you are touching each other during the day. Holding hands, giving a kiss, putting your hand on his leg during dinner – these are socially appropriate ways to touch each other during the day. But they make it a lot easier to touch each other more intimately at night.
Also, like we just talked about in tip 3, make sure that your thought life is focused on positive, enjoyable parts of your marriage.
Think about positive, intimate things during the day. If you’ve followed tip 1 and you’ve scheduled sex, you have some fun things to think about. Maybe you can daydream about what you enjoyed the night before. Think about how attractive your husband looks today.
Sure, you still need to get the dishes washed, but you can let your mind wander into some fun, steamy locations with your God-given husband!
Finally, make an effort to flirt and compliment each other during the day. If you’re daydreaming about your husband, let him know. When you notice his physique in a new shirt, tell him he looks sexy.
You will both be a lot more in the mood after the kids are in bed if you’ve been touching, thinking, and talking intimately during the day.
Tip 5: Have a secret code.
This tip is one of my favorites. It never fails to get a smile from couples who have come to me for Christian marriage counseling!
Plus, it’s so easy and really fun.
Together with your husband, come up with a secret code for your intimate times together. A secret code that you’ll be able to talk about in polite company – even with your in-laws around the dinner table – and only the two of you know what you’re talking about.
Inside jokes are fun and can build a bond of intimacy, but only a husband and wife can share an inside joke like this.
Some examples that I’ve seen couples land on include:
- clean the ceiling fans (“Honey, don’t forget, tonight I really want you to clean off the ceiling fans.”)
- grab some fruit juice at the store (“Sweetie, I just remembered that I need to grab some fruit juice at the store tomorrow.”)
- change the sheets (“Do you think we should change the sheets today or wait until tomorrow?”)
Now, it is definitely best for this secret code to be something that you would never normally say in a conversation. (So, “change the sheets” might not work for your marriage… you do have to take care of this sometimes!) But you also want it to be a phrase that is reasonable to say to one another, even if it’s a bit unusual.
This tip can also help you with tip 1… since you probably don’t want to write “have sex” on the family calendar that hangs on the refrigerator.
Tip 6: Include visuals in your bedroom time.
It is no secret that men are very visual creatures. That’s how God has made them! While women tend to feel more “in the mood” when there is emotional intimacy, men usually respond most quickly to visual stimulation.
So, use that to your advantage.
There are plenty of healthy, safe, fun ways that you and your husband could include visuals in your physical intimacy.
- Place a mirror in a strategic location in your bedroom
- Buy some sexy lingerie
- Tie back your hair so that he can see your face better
- Have “mood lighting” perhaps with candles or lamps
Now, as we talk about including visuals in your Christian marriage intimacy, it is worth giving a reminder about the Christian part of your marriage.
As in, everything you do in the bedroom should be just as Christ-honoring as every other part of your marriage.
This means that when you include visuals in your intimacy, they need to only be visuals of each other, and only things that you both are comfortable with and enjoy. Pornography is not a holy thing. Posting sexy photos on social media is not godly. Absolutely no one else should be part of your marriage, in the bedroom or outside of it.
And make sure that you circle back to tip 3. If you are struggling with your body image, you might not want your husband seeing more of you. But trust me, he wants to! He enjoys it! This is an area where the digital courses I already mentioned, from Sheila Wray Gregoire, can be so helpful in boosting enjoyment of your physical intimacy.
Tip 7: Take the TV out of your bedroom.
I know. You don’t like this one.
But it helps! It is generally reported that couples have more sex when they remove the TV from the bedroom. So if you want to enjoy more Christian marriage intimacy… take the technology out.
Now, it is true that technology of any kind can be a problem in the bedroom. Whether it’s a TV, laptop, or phone, our devices tend to distract us and stress us out. None of that is helpful for your sex life.
But the TV is the easiest item to remove from the bedroom, and since it is so large, it creates a helpful visual change also. Yes, you might want to cuddle in bed and watch a show once in awhile… but I’m guessing you could do that on your laptop if you really want to.
By removing the TV, you are showing each other that the bedroom is a space for togetherness. No distractions. You’re either sleeping, reading a good book, or enjoying each other’s company… intimately.
Tip 8: Have ground rules.
When it comes to physical intimacy, everyone has a different comfort zone and tolerance level. The things that you enjoy might not be very fun for your husband, and vice versa.
So especially as you are trying new things, make sure that you are on the same page before you start.
Have ground rules.
You might want to write these down, or it might be enough to just talk about them. (And tip 9 will help with that.) But make sure that you are on the same page together. this is helpful in every area of life, but definitely for physical intimacy!
After all, Christian marriage intimacy is not just about sex. It is bigger and deeper than that.
- Christians are called to be self-sacrificing and to put others above themselves… so you would never do something that your spouse finds painful, embarrassing, or unpleasant.
- Marriage is about creating a union together… so you need to talk through issues and stay united about the important things in life.
- Intimacy includes physical, but also emotional, mental, spiritual, and relational… so ground rules can help you stay intimate and close at all times.
Christian marriage intimacy will include ground rules. Sometimes, it is helpful to create a Stop Word so that you both can change directions if someone is uncomfortable. Always, this includes a refusal to do things that cause pain or which violate God’s Word.
Tip 9: Talk about your sex life on a regular basis.
This can be awkward, but it is so helpful!
I mentioned at the beginning of this article that you could create change in your marriage even if you’re the only one making change happen. That is true. But every marriage should talk about things that are important, and intimacy is very important.
Hopefully, you and your husband already talk about the budget. You probably talk about the kids’ schedules, the calendars, and what’s going on at work. As Christians, you talk about God’s Word and what He is teaching you.
So, add one more thing to the list: talk about your sex life.
This could be during a time of intimacy, but it also is helpful to talk about it during normal, everyday times as well. You can talk about what you like and don’t like. What you want. Talking about frequency, preferences, and ideas is all helpful.
Use the words. Sure, make that a sexy time if you want. Talk about what you like, love, and want to change. Just like your budget and household chores, sex is a real and important part of married life
Listen to Episode #64
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Listen to Episode #64.5
Friday Faith Follow-up Episode
In this short podcast episode, let’s look at 5 reasons why God cares about the purity and enjoyment of Christian marriage intimacy.
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Disclaimers: I am a licensed therapist but my podcast, blog, and resources are not professional or personal advice. I am an affiliate for many of the resources that I link to, and may earn a small commission if you purchase through my link. Read my full disclaimer here.