Make a huge impact in your Christian family as you set aside distractions and give focused positive attention to your people everyday.
Your positive attention is a priority for a happy family life
How often are you giving your husband and your children undivided, positive attention?
I know. The days are busy. Our world is noisy and distracting.
But this is exactly why your positive attention is so powerful.
In fact, it needs to be a priority as a Christian mom.
Positive attention is one of the easiest and most powerful ways to show your family love. To encourage them. To bless them.
And when life is busy and chaotic, it’s easy to miss those opportunities.
So today, we’ll take a look at two important areas:
- 5 common things in our normal everyday lives that are stealing your attention away from your family. And,
- 5 easy action steps you can take to get your attention back, and give it to the people who matter the most.
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How does positive attention impact my family?
Everyone wants to feel loved. To feel valued, cared for, and noticed. And this should be MOST true in our own homes!
And the best way to give this love to your family is to give them positive attention.
In my 15+ years as a marriage and family therapist, I’ve seen the look on family members’ faces when they are receiving positive attention from the people they love. It is beautiful to see.
Your positive attention will have a huge impact in your family. A few of the ways it impacts your family include:
- Soothes hard emotions
- Builds self-confidence
- Creates a feeling of safety and trust
- Strengthens sense of identity as loved, valued, and belonging
What is positive attention?
We live in a distracting and busy world. And this is why your positive attention is so powerful! It can break through the chaos and comfort your family’s hearts.
But what is positive attention?
You can pay attention to your family by noticing them and engaging with them. You’re listening, responding, and interacting. But that could be positive or negative!
Positive attention is noticing the good and focusing on it. You are not distracted, but are paying attention to that person. You are giving a compliment, listening well, offering encouragement, and avoiding complaint or consequences.
When you think about giving your family positive attention, it will include big moments and small moments. In fact, it is often the small moments of everyday life where positive attention has the biggest impact.
You can show your people that they truly are important and valuable to you by how you pay attention to them. Is it positive or negative? In fact… is it happening at all, or are you too distracted?
Busyness will steal your positive attention
I have no doubt that you have twelve things on your mind right now, at a minimum. You’re trying to fold laundry, monitor the kids’ squabbles, skim through this blog on your phone, and plan out what’s for dinner.
So many things need to happen for family life to run smoothly!
Many of these things are good. They are uplifting, fun, and important. But they are rarely as important as showing focused positive attention to your family.
As you consider the thousands of things on your regular to-do list and the demands on your mental, physical, and emotional energy… how are those things impacting your family relationships?
5 normal things that are stealing your attention away from your family
Let’s start with the things STEALING your attention! Because they are definitely there, in your normal, every day life. These are the things you want to watch out for.
1. Your phone is stealing your attention
Your phone can be useful, but it is also very distracting.
In fact, smartphones are created very purposefully – to grab our attention and keep it! And this is especially true of the apps on our phone.
I am confident that you do NOT believe your phone is more important than your child or your marriage.
But does your screen time show that? Who gets more eye contact from you – your phone or you family?
2. Work is stealing your attention
You might work at home, work outside the home, or work on the home itself, WORK is a part of everyone’s human experience.
It’s not a bad thing, but it does take up a lot of our attention.
Work can be physical, mental, and distracting. The to-do list in your head is distracting. The chores that need to be done can be distracting.
Do you sometimes have trouble focusing on a deep conversation because you’re distracted by work to be done? Is quality family time rushed so that you can complete necessary tasks?
RELATED: Why I Think The Hope Planner Is The Best Christian Planner
3. Stress and worry are stealing attention from your family
Stress and worry can sometimes help you prioritize well. It can help you focus. But these are very distracting emotions!
If you are stressed and worried, you’ll find it hard to really focus on and pay attention to your family.
Plus, these emotions make positive attention difficult – because you are not feeling very positive yourself. You are more likely to notice and focus on the negative. You have to be careful of this when you’re dealing with stress and worry.
NEED HELP WITH THIS? Grab my Stress Relief Workbook for Christian Moms!
Consider, what is stressing you out? How much brain space is filled with the things that make you anxious?
4. Busyness is stealing attention away from your family
I don’t need to grab coffee with you and chat to know that you are busy. It’s normal.
But here’s the thing: people are always more important than tasks. Your busy schedule can distract you, stress you out, steal your mental focus, and make it hard to actually spend time with your family.
How will you give positive attention to your family if you’re too busy to see them, get quality time with them, and slow down to engage with them?
5. Heavy emotions steal attention away from your family
Anger. Impatience. Hopelessness. Frustration. Discouragement.
These are hard emotions. They are heavy and painful. And unfortunately, they are a common part of life.
Emotions can be tough! And these heavy emotions make it hard to stay positive and hard to focus on the people in front of us.
Do your emotions sometimes get the best of you? Are your interactions led by your emotions or by your wisdom and reason?
RELATED: 10 Reasons Why Moms Struggle With Out Of Control Emotions
12 ways to give your family more positive attention every day
I hope that it doesn’t feel too discouraging right now to think through these 5 everyday things that might be stealing your attention away from your family.
These distractions are normal. But they don’t have to be YOUR normal!
Most of us are busy. Emotions can always pop up and distract us. Our phones are with us all day long.
But there are things you can do that will stop these distractions and help you refocus. Let’s give that focused, positive attention to the people who matter the most.
1. Put your phone down.
Technology will steal your attention so quickly!
Just say no. Put it down. Put it away. You could use “do not disturb” but the big thing here is to look at your husband/kids instead of looking at your phone.
Many of us are addicted to our phones, and don’t even realize how often we pick it up, check our notifications, and turn our eyes to our technology.
This is a priority place to set boundaries for yourself. Set up a “phone box” at your house, or set rules for when phones are not allowed (like, at the kitchen table).
Get a taste of family life with less phone distraction… you’ll love it.
2. Slow down and look at them.
When you are busy doing something (cooking dinner, reading this blogpost…) and someone comes to you with a question or wanting attention – give it to them!
This can be hard to do, especially when we are busy. But that just means it has an even bigger impact.
Pause the task. Slow down what you are doing. Move your eyes away from the task at hand and look at your family member. Give them your positive attention and let yourself be interrupted without a cranky response.
3. Use your words to show your family that you hear them
Okay, my friend. This might be my FAVORITE tip. It is one that I practice all the time in the counseling room when I’m sitting down with a couple or a parent and child who are working on their relationship!
Show your family that you truly hear them, you really are listening, by trying this tip: Repeat back or paraphrase what THEY said before you share your own thought, opinion, or suggestion.
This is such a powerful thing.
It helps them feel heard, and it focuses you on listening instead of preparing your own speech.
When they tell you something, paraphrase it back to them. You could add a comment like “Wow, I can’t believe ____ happened to you today.” Talk about making someone feel heard and valued!
4. Initiate conversation and ask questions.
Ask specific questions! You can do the generic “How was school today?” but you will be giving really great positive attention to ask them “How was that math test today?” – it’s more specific.
Plus, when you initiate those check-ins, you show that you are thinking about them and pursuing the relationship.
It’s likely that sometimes, you will try to start a conversation or will ask a question that doesn’t’ really go anywhere. When this happens, don’t take it personally. It’s normal!
Being specific, showing interest, and pursuing conversation is a great way to show someone they matter to you.
5. Pray for your family members out loud, while you are with them
I hope that you pray regularly for your husband, children, and family. Prayer is so important and so powerful! And praying out loud for the people you love is a powerful way to show them you care. It is so intimate and encouragement.
If this feels awkward, start during your regular mealtime prayers. This is a natural time to add a quick sentence like, “And God, thank you for Johnny, Susie, and Tim. They are such a blessing to me.” You can build on it from there.
Some great times of day for family prayer might be over a meal together, before bedtime, or while you’re in the car going somewhere.
It can also be meaningful to tell your family what you’re praying for them about, even if you aren’t praying with them in that moment.
6. Schedule their favorite activities into the family schedule.
Make time not just to be with your family, but also to do the things THEY want to do. You might not care about football, but if your husband does, it matters.
So, sit and play with your kids. Plan a date night that your husband will be excited about. Ask about their hobbies and interests, and add them into the family calendar.
When you notice your family members’ preferences, you are showing love. Let them know they are important by creating space for the things that matter to them.
7. Don’t let them walk past you without noticing them in some way.
Even if there’s not a question or a conversation going on, you can show positive attention by noticing someone’s presence near you.
This is especially powerful when they are leaving the home or just coming home. Notice them and say hello, give a kiss, or offer a quick check-in.
Some households are very open, and you see each other often. Other houses are set up with a lot of privacy. Either way, when you see someone, look at them and smile. Show your love with your attention.
8. No tech at the table.
Table time should be family time. Of course, you may not eat every meal as a family sitting together and enjoying quality time. But when that can happen, make it happen! Put away phones, television, computers… focus on each other.
Yes, sometimes you might enjoy technology together while you share a meal. This can be great too – especially if you have conversation about what you’re watching.
But generally, when you can gather together and have time together, positive attention means you will focus on each other instead of a screen or something else.
9. Invite them to do things with you.
Everyone likes to be invited! So when you need to run errands or do an activity, think about who you can invite to join you.
Yes, it can be tempting as a burned out mom to get alone time whenever you can. When that’s needed, go for it. But don’t think that you always need to be alone even when you can.
Even if they say no, the invitation shows that you are thinking about them and want to spend time with them.
10. Be quick to listen and slow to speak.
This is straight from Scripture – James 1:19. “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…”
Listening to people shows them that you care. And the reality is, you can’t listen while you are talking!
Moms have a lot to say and need to offer wisdom and direction. But it’s your listening ear that shows love and attention.
RELATED: How To Solve Your 3 Biggest Marriage Communication Problems
11. Give attention with your body (hugs, etc).
Physical touch is a big part of caring relationships. Yes, it’s certainly important in your healthy (and happy) Christian marriage. But it matters to your kids too!
You can show love with a hug and kiss differently than you can with your words or gifts. Getting close to each other builds emotional connection.
Sometimes, moms get “touched out.” With our young kids or with our husbands, there is sometimes so much physical touch going on that we can get tired of it!
But physical touch is an important part of showing love. So give a hug, hold hands, rub their shoulders, give a high-five, or tussle their hair as they walk past you.
12. Talk about things that matter.
Social media and many friendships prioritize surface-level conversations. So a great way to show positive attention is to go deeper.
Talk about goals, dreams, challenges, and ideas. Ask questions (and listen to the answers). Follow up with previous conversations.
Not every conversation needs to be long, deep, or powerful. Frequency is important too! But don’t think that surface-level conversations are the only option.
It might be awkward at first to ask deeper questions. That’s okay! Your relationship is worth a little awkwardness sometimes.
How will positive attention change my family relationships?
Sometimes, there can be a gap between what we know and believe… and how the other person experiences that.
You love your family. They are your most important people! But when you’re busy (or they are busy) and perhaps distracted (or they are distracted) it’s easy to miss opportunities to show that love.
Positive attention can fix that!
It will be helpful to avoid the distractions that we looked at above – and also, to be intentional about showing positive attention whenever you have the chance.
Small moments can have a big impact.
Listen to Episode #229
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