Try out these Christian marriage intimacy tips (from a marriage counselor!) to get more enjoyment and build connection in your marriage.
Does Christian marriage intimacy matter?
My friend, let’s answer this question right off the bat. Does intimacy in your marriage really matter?
Yes! Intimacy matters.
The physical part of a marriage plays a big role in your overall marriage satisfaction. It makes you feel good, feel valued, feel happy. There are endorphins released and emotional connections built.
Plus – marriage intimacy matters to God! Right at the beginning of the Bible, God tells Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply.
Literally, the first thing God told Adam and Eve was to go enjoy some good ol’ fashioned marital intimacy.
So today, I’ll share 9 tips from my years as a marriage therapist to help you enjoy amazing intimacy in the bedroom. Even when you’re tired, busy, or arguing with your husband… these tips will help!
Yes, you’re busy and marriage can be a lot of work. But investing time and energy into building greater intimacy in your marriage is worth it.
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How intimacy is impacting your marriage
Marriage takes a lot of work. And it takes work in many different areas – communication, forgiveness, problem-solving, emotional connection.
But physical intimacy is a big one!
As a marriage counselor, even when intimacy is not the main reason people come to counseling, I see how intimacy is impacting the marriage. It’s always a part of the problem… and, the solution.
In your marriage, physical intimacy helps…
- increase satisfaction and happiness in your marriage
- build emotional connection
- create a sense of safety, comfort, and peace in your home
- open the door for better and more frequent communication
- increase a sense of unity, sharing life together
Plus, let’s face it – life is more fun when you’re enjoying intimacy with your husband!
A big problem with marriage intimacy
There can be a lot of things that get in the way of physical intimacy in your marriage. Certainly, you’re both busy. You may not always agree on how often to be intimate or what to do.
And one of the most common problems with enjoying intimacy is dealing with conflict, disagreement, or hard emotions in your marriage.
So as we jump into these 9 tips, I want to offer a FREE RESOURCE TO HELP you deal with conflict, so you can focus a little more energy on enjoying intimacy instead of arguing.
9 fun tips for you to try, so you enjoy marriage intimacy more
As we jump into these 9 tips, let me point out something important:
These are tips for you to try… not things you’re trying to force your spouse to try.
You can only control yourself. But honestly, that’s all you need! Even with 10+ years of experience as a marriage therapist, I’m surprised by what a difference one person can make in their marriage.
You can start making positive change right now, with these tips below.
Tip 1: Schedule sex.
I know. This does not sound glamorous at all.
But here’s the thing about this totally un-sexy tip… it works.
In fact, this tip works in two really powerful ways.
FIRST, if you actually schedule sex into your regular weekly calendar, it is a lot more likely to actually happen.
That is a “duh” statement… but in the life of a busy Christian mom and a chaotic family schedule, it is also a reality check!
- If you schedule sex, it will happen more frequently.
- With more frequency, you have more chances to practice together.
- Practice might not make things perfect… but it gives you a lot more chances to learn what you like, try new things, and get better and better.
You can’t enjoy intimacy if you aren’t actually in the bedroom together to make it happen.
Increasing frequency also means more oxytocin being released. This is commonly known as the “love hormone” that your brain releases when you have sex. It feels good, plus it builds emotional connection in your marriage.
SECOND, scheduling sex gives you a lot of time to mentally prepare.
You can enjoy fantasizing, planning, daydreaming, and let yourself get in the mood, because you know when and where this is going to happen.
And especially for women, a lot of our enjoyment in the bedroom comes down to how we’re thinking about things!
One of my favorite resources to help women think differently and therefore enjoy intimacy more are these online courses from Sheila Wray Gregoire, the “Christian sex lady.”
- WHAT IF… your appointment pops up on the calendar and your’e soooo not in the mood? That will happen. Have sex anyway. Wait to clean the dishes, put the argument on hold, and invest in your marriage satisfaction.
Tip 2: Spend money on something fun and different.
The main point of this tip is actually the second half: to enjoy something fun and different.
But the reality is, if you spend money on it (even a little bit), you are showing an investment in your marriage beyond time and emotion. And we are all more likely to use something if we’ve actually spent money on it.
So even if it’s just a can of whipped cream and some strawberries… spend that $5.00 and try something fun and different.
Now, there are a few common questions that come up when I suggest this tip to a couple in the counseling room. So let’s tackle those right now.
- What sort of fun thing should you try? This is up to you and your husband. Experiment! Just make sure you’re both comfortable with it.
- What if you get totally embarrassed as you try something new? Try to laugh together! Assume the best about each other, and try again or try something else.
- Is God really okay with us having fun in the bedroom? God does set boundaries on intimacy and marriage. But He has a whole book in the Bible about marriage intimacy (called Song of Songs) and He wants you to enjoy each other!
- What if we try something and it’s a total flop? You learned something about yourselves. Shrug it off and try something different next time. Not everything will be a home run.
And let me share one final note in this tip… this can be extra fun if you make it a surprise! Whip out that can of whipped cream and see how high your husband’s eyebrows can really go.
Tip 3: Get your head on straight.
This tip is so important if you want to enjoy Christian marriage intimacy! Your thought life has a HUGE influence on how much you are enjoying (… or not enjoying) intimacy with your husband.
In my experience as a Christian marriage counselor, wives struggle with this more than husbands. If you’re feeling angry, frustrated, sad, stressed, you don’t need to ignore your emotions. But you can find ways to set them aside and focus on enjoying the moment.
Here are a few ways that as a marriage counselor I see negative thoughts interrupting a couple’s bedroom time:
- feeling uncomfortable and focusing on your flaws
- thinking about everything that’s wrong in your marriage or life
- getting distracted by the phone, to-do list, and more
- dwelling on areas of unforgiveness, conflict, or hurt
If you want to enjoy intimacy in your marriage, think about fun, intimate, steamy things… especially when you are in the bedroom together!
Stop thinking about the negative and start thinking about the positive.
You can do 3 things to help change these negative thoughts, and enjoy intimacy more as a result.
- Focus on positive thoughts about yourself. What are your favorite qualities? What do you like about your body? Your personality?
- Focus on positive thoughts about your marriage and your husband. Why is he awesome?
- Focus on God’s desire for your marriage and for intimacy and strength in your marriage. Pray, and ask for his help.
You (and your husband!) are much more likely to enjoy your physical intimacy if your brain and body are both fully in the moment together.
RELATED: The Best Exercises To Stop Negative Thinking In Its Tracks
Tip 4. Touch, think, and talk during the day.
When you think about Christian marriage intimacy, it’s easy to focus on what’s happening at night after the kids are in bed. And yes, that’s the most likely time you’ll have sex with your husband!
But you can really spice things up during the day.
Make sure you are touching each other during the day. Hold hands. Kiss. Put your hand on his knee. Enjoy socially appropriate ways to touch each other during the day, and you’ll enjoy intimacy more at night.
Think about positive, intimate things during the day. If you’ve followed tip 1 and you’ve scheduled sex, you have some fun things to think about. Daydream, remember back on favorite moments, or think about how attractive your husband looks today.
Sure, you still need to get the dishes washed, but you can let your mind wander into some fun, steamy locations with your God-given husband!
Finally, make an effort to flirt and compliment each other during the day. If you’re daydreaming about your husband, let him know. When you notice his physique in a new shirt, tell him he looks sexy.
You will both be a lot more in the mood after the kids are in bed if you’ve been touching, thinking, and talking intimately during the day.
GET MORE HELP with these online courses for boosting intimacy in Christian marriages.
Tip 5: Have a secret code.
This tip is one of my favorites. It never fails to get a smile from couples who have come to me for Christian marriage counseling!
Plus, it’s so easy and really fun.
Together with your husband, come up with a secret code for your intimate times together. A secret code that you’ll be able to talk about in polite company – even with your in-laws around the dinner table – and only the two of you know what you’re talking about.
Inside jokes are fun and can build a bond of intimacy, but only a husband and wife can share an inside joke like this.
Some examples that I’ve seen couples land on include:
- “Honey, don’t forget, tonight I really want you to clean the ceiling fans.”
- “Sweetie, I just remembered that I need to grab some fruit juice at the store tomorrow.”
- “Do you think we should change the sheets today or wait until tomorrow?”
(The answer is always: today!)
Now, it is definitely best for this secret code to be something that you would never normally say in a conversation. (So, “change the sheets” might not work for your marriage… you do have to take care of this sometimes!) But you also want it to be a phrase that is reasonable to say to one another, even if it’s a bit unusual.
This tip can also help you with tip 1… since you probably don’t want to write “have sex” on the family calendar that hangs on the refrigerator.
Tip 6: Include visuals in your bedroom time.
It is no secret that men are very visual creatures. That’s how God has made them! While women tend to feel more “in the mood” when there is emotional intimacy, men usually respond most quickly to visual stimulation.
So, use that to your advantage.
There are plenty of healthy, safe, fun ways that you and your husband could include visuals in your physical intimacy.
- Place a mirror in a strategic location in your bedroom
- Buy some sexy lingerie
- Tie back your hair so that he can see your face better
- Have “mood lighting” perhaps with candles or lamps
Now, as we talk about including visuals in your Christian marriage intimacy, it is worth giving a reminder about the Christian part of your marriage.
As in, everything you do in the bedroom should be just as Christ-honoring as every other part of your marriage.
This means that when you include visuals in your intimacy, they need to only be visuals of each other, and only things that you both are comfortable with and enjoy. Pornography is not a holy thing. Posting sexy photos on social media is not godly. Absolutely no one else should be part of your marriage, in the bedroom or outside of it.
And make sure that you circle back to tip 3. If you are struggling with your body image, you might not want your husband seeing more of you. But trust me, he wants to! He enjoys it! This is an area where the digital courses I already mentioned, from Sheila Wray Gregoire, can be so helpful in boosting enjoyment of your physical intimacy.
Tip 7: Take the TV out of your bedroom.
I know. You don’t like this one.
But it helps! It is generally reported that couples have more sex when they remove the TV from the bedroom. So if you want to enjoy more Christian marriage intimacy… take the technology out.
Now, it is true that technology of any kind can be a problem in the bedroom. Whether it’s a TV, laptop, or phone, our devices tend to distract us and stress us out. None of that is helpful for your sex life.
But the TV is the easiest item to remove from the bedroom, and since it is so large, it creates a helpful visual change also. Yes, you might want to cuddle in bed and watch a show once in awhile… but I’m guessing you could do that on your laptop if you really want to.
By removing the TV, you are showing each other that the bedroom is a space for togetherness. No distractions. You’re either sleeping, reading a good book, or enjoying each other’s company… intimately.
Tip 8: Have ground rules.
When it comes to physical intimacy, everyone has a different comfort zone and tolerance level. The things that you enjoy might not be very fun for your husband, and vice versa.
So especially as you are trying new things, make sure that you are on the same page before you start.
Have ground rules.
You might want to write these down, or it might be enough to just talk about them. (And tip 9 will help with that.) But make sure that you are on the same page together. this is helpful in every area of life, but definitely for physical intimacy!
After all, Christian marriage intimacy is not just about sex. It is bigger and deeper than that.
- Christians are called to be self-sacrificing and to put others above themselves… so you would never do something that your spouse finds painful, embarrassing, or unpleasant.
- Marriage is about creating a union together… so you need to talk through issues and stay united about the important things in life.
- Intimacy includes physical, but also emotional, mental, spiritual, and relational… so ground rules can help you stay intimate and close at all times.
Christian marriage intimacy will include ground rules. Sometimes, it is helpful to create a Stop Word so that you both can change directions if someone is uncomfortable. Always, this includes a refusal to do things that cause pain or which violate God’s Word.
Tip 9: Talk about your sex life on a regular basis.
This can be awkward, but it is so helpful!
I mentioned at the beginning of this article that you could create change in your marriage even if you’re the only one making change happen. That is true. But every marriage should talk about things that are important, and intimacy is very important.
Hopefully, you and your husband already talk about the budget. You probably talk about the kids’ schedules, the calendars, and what’s going on at work. As Christians, you talk about God’s Word and what He is teaching you.
So, add one more thing to the list: talk about your sex life.
This could be during a time of intimacy, but it also is helpful to talk about it during normal, everyday times as well. You can talk about what you like and don’t like. What you want. Talking about frequency, preferences, and ideas is all helpful.
Use the words. Sure, make that a sexy time if you want. Talk about what you like, love, and want to change. Just like your budget and household chores, sex is a real and important part of married life
Just pick 1 tip to try today
It might feel overwhelming to try all 9 of these tips right away! But that isn’t necessary.
Pick the one that sounded best to you – for whatever reason – and start there.
But if you still feel lost or you want more help, make sure to try out these online courses that are detailed, private, and specifically for Christian marriage intimacy.
Listen to Episode #64
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Disclaimers: I am a licensed therapist but my podcast, blog, and resources are not professional or personal advice. I am an affiliate for many of the resources that I link to, and may earn a small commission if you purchase through my link. Read my full disclaimer here.