Solve the 3 most common marriage communication problems with these specific action steps from a Christian marriage therapist.
Why are marriage communication problems such a ... problem?
Every marriage has its ups and downs. And one of the biggest areas to impact those ups and downs is communication.
But this has a big impact on how much we enjoy our marriage!
Communication impacts your intimacy. It shapes how (and if) you feel loved, valued, safe, and cared for. And certainly, communication impacts how you handle joint areas like parenting, finances, faith, and much more.
But every couple has some communication breakdowns. Even couples who love each other deeply and share Christian values together can struggle with communication.
Even when things might feel hopeless, there are action steps you can take to strengthen your marriage communication. And in the process you’ll build a deeper bond and experience greater intimacy and connection.
Yes, please! Let’s get to it.
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What are the 3 most common marriage communication problems?
I’ve been a marriage and family therapist for over 10 years, and I’ve helped a lot of struggling marriages. Of course, every couple is unique.
But there are definitely some common areas that many couples struggle with.
The 3 most common of these marriage communication problems are:
- Conflict/Fighting
- Lack of communication
- Difficulty discussing specific topics.
None of these are fun. But all of them can be changed!
And when you start experiencing change in these 3 areas, it is such a blessing to your marriage. Let’s learn more about these 3 problem areas, along with some specific tips that I use as a marriage therapist to help you make progress.
Marriage Communication Problem #1: Conflict or Fighting
Couples who love each other deeply and share deep Christian values will still have areas where they disagree. That’s normal for every human relationship.
The question is, what do you do when you disagree?
I hope that this does not need to be said, but just in case – conflict should never include violence, intimidation, threats, or any kind of safety concerns. Conflict can turn violent, and that is never okay. Those are definitely situations where professional support is needed.
For most couples, conflict will include things like yelling, blaming each other, and speaking negatively. The more that emotions are rising, the harder it is to continue a helpful, logical, valuable conversation.
When that happens, this free conflict resolution cheat sheet will be really handy. It’s designed so you can pull it out and walk through the steps without having to try to remember what to do.
And in the bigger picture, these are some 3 strategies that I work on with couples, to reduce conflict and fighting in the marriage overall:
Action: Build intimacy in your marriage.
When you aren’t fighting and arguing, prioritize date nights, quality time, meaningful conversations, and physical intimacy in the bedroom.
NEED HELP WITH THIS? These online courses are my top Christian intimacy recommendation.
Action: Learn your own emotional regulation skills.
Can you tell when you’re getting angry or upset? Everyone has warning signs, like feeling hot, a clenched stomach, or racing thoughts. If you know your own signs, you can take a break sooner and prevent conflict from building.
Action: Practice ahead of time for hard conversations.
When a hot-button issue is coming, try to schedule a reasonable time to discuss it. And prepare for what you want to say, how to say it calmly, and understand your own perspective.
NEED HELP WITH THIS? Grab the free conflict resolution cheat sheet.
Marriage Communication Problem #2: Lack Of Communication
Another really common problem area is simply a lack of communication. If you aren’t talking… how can you stay connected?
And time together means more than just watching TV or scrolling your phones while you happen to be in the same room together.
A lack of communication can look different for each couple. Ultimately, of course, it means that you aren’t having any regular, meaningful, build-a-connection type of conversations.
Sometimes, you literally may not see each other very much. Other times, you may struggle to want to talk, because of hurt or bad habits or lack of trust.
But it is possible to rebuild paths of communication. If you want to go deeper into Scriptural elements of communication, grab my 40-day devotional for Christian wives: Communicating to Connect in marriage.
If this is your biggest marriage communication problem, try these 3 steps:
Action: Schedule time together.
That might be date nights or re-arranging work schedules. But it also might be a purposeful 10-minute conversation on the couch each evening after the kids are in bed.
Action: Figure out the “why” and solve that problem.
Why is communication lacking? Is it because of hurt, lack of interest, hot-button topics, opposite work schedules? Zoom in for your unique marriage, and then solve that specific problem.
Action: Build your “love maps” to build a friendship.
When we’re dating, we tend to ask questions, share openly, give compliments, and focus on getting to know each other. Start doing that again!
Marriage Communication Problem #3: Difficulty With Specific Topics
Everyone has “hot button topics” that easily get them passionate, emotional, upset, or excited.
And when a husband and wife are passionate about the same topic, but perhaps without sharing the same opinions, that can be really tough.
As a marriage counselor, the most common topics that I see causing trouble in a marriage are discussions about:
- sex,
- in-laws,
- vacations/holidays,
- finances, and
- parenting.
But these are all important parts of regular life, and you can’t just avoid talking about them.
If you have hot button topics in your marriage that are difficult to discuss, try these steps:
Action: Take time to pray and journal over these topics.
Take time to better understand yourself and your own perspective. This will help you talk about these things more calmly and feel more confident.
Action: Use the speaker-listener technique when you talk about it.
This means that one person shares their thoughts, and the other person reflects back or paraphrases what they heard… before sharing their own opinion. This slows down the conversation and helps both of you feel heard.
NEED MORE HELP? Grab my free conflict resolution cheat sheet.
Action: Find common ground.
Certainly, there are important things in life that you and your husband DO agree on. Even things that might feel as basic as a shared desire to enjoy family time, pay the bills without stress, or feel loved at home… build from the common ground, not the differences of opinion.
Listen to Episode #129
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Disclaimers: I am a licensed therapist but my podcast, blog, and resources are not professional or personal advice. I am an affiliate for many of the resources that I link to, and may earn a small commission if you purchase through my link. Read my full disclaimer here.