We can never “forgive and forget” like God does, but this 5-step process will help you strengthen and heal in your Christian marriage.
What does it mean to forgive and forget?
You’ve heard the phrase hundreds of times. Especially in relationships and marriage! Forgive and forget.
But how often do you really think about what it means? Should you forgive and forget? Is it even possible?
In my 10+ years as a marriage therapist and pastor’s wife, this question comes up all the time. Everyone is a sinner, which means every husband and wife will hurt each other at some point in their marriage.
Hopefully, those are small hurts. But we all know that sometimes, those hurts are really big. Really painful. And we may find ourselves asking, how do I forgive and forget?
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Where to start when your marriage is hurting
When people ask me that question – how do I forgive and forget? – there are two big things to highlight.
First: we turn to the Bible. God is very clear that because He has forgiven us, now we must forgive each other! He does not say that will be easy or unemotional. Ultimately, the question of how to forgive and forget – should you even do it?? – is a spiritual issue.
But in our broken and busy world, that’s not the whole picture. It’s the foundation (the gospel is all about forgiveness!) but we need more.
Humans do not have the ability to forget something that is really painful, difficult, or upsetting.
Especially when it comes from someone we love and trust.
And in your marriage, the core issue is coming to the Lord in prayer, for help and healing, so that you can find a way to forgive and forget… that is actually realistic, Holy Spirit-led, and healing for your soul and for your marriage.
That’s a big order! Let’s get to it.
How God forgives and forgets
In the Bible, we often see God talking about remembering or not remembering.
But He’s not talking about remembering in the literal way that we do – did I remember to take out the trash last night? In Scripture, God’s remembering is directly linked to his responding.
When God tells us “I will remember their sins no more” (in Jeremiah, and again in Hebrews 8:12), He does not mean a literal forgetting of the sin. It does not erase the reality that the sin happened. It does not magically mean that He’s okay with the sin.
It means God has chosen to treat us as if the sin did not happen.
Forgiveness is healthy for your Christian marriage
And your marriage is blessed when you can make the same choice.
In 1 Corinthians 13, we see that part of healthy love is to “keep no record of wrongs.” This certainly sounds like “forgive and forget!”
With forgiveness and reconciliation, the record book is wiped clean. Your memory isn’t, but the keeping-track-and-keeping-score mentality is.
With the Holy Spirit’s help, forgiveness can help you to stop thinking again and again about the painful event. The Lord helps you let go of your own emotional pain and stop treating the other person poorly because of what they did.
Forgiveness is healthy for your marriage.
Warning: Forgetting Is Not Always The Best Solution
While the Lord clearly wants us to forgive each other, this is NOT the same thing as forgetting something bad that happened.
Especially if you might think “forgetting” should mean “acting like nothing ever happened.”
The reality is, there are situations in a marriage where acting like nothing ever happened is unwise, foolish, or even dangerous.
Here are a few examples – times when the Lord calls you to forgive, but where a change in the relationship will be healthy and holy.
- Is there abuse or violence happening? Continuing on as if nothing happened is dangerous. Something needs to change.
- Has there been unfaithfulness, an affair, or an almost-affair? It would be unwise to ignore this and simply go back to “normal.” Something needs to be dealt with in the marriage.
- Are you noticing a pattern in unhealthy, sinful, or problematic behavior? Trying to literally forget every hurtful incident will only lead them to continue or escalate. Something needs to be discussed.
- Have you tried to talk about the issue but they refuse to acknowledge it, apologize for it, or take any ownership of it? Brushing it under the rug or living in denial is not going to build intimacy in your marriage. Something needs to be addressed.
The 5 Steps For How To Forgive And Forget
When sin and pain enters your marriage, it hurts. Avoiding the hard conversations won’t be helpful. Refusing intimacy won’t rebuild connection. Letting emotions overwhelm you won’t make you feel better.
But there are things that can help you move forward.
1 - Acknowledge the hurt and grieve it.
Being hurt by your spouse is painful. It will be impossible to “forgive and forget” without letting yourself feel the pain. You probably need to cry. You definitely need to pray. Don’t rush the grief. Sometimes, this may mean getting some space from your spouse so that you can grieve what happened.
2 - Pray for God’s help to forgive.
Forgiveness is simply impossible without the Holy Spirit. The more that the Lord comforts you, the more peace you will feel. Ask the Holy Spirit to remind you more deeply of God’s grace with your own sin. Ask for Christ’s peace and unity to fill your marriage.
3 - Seek healing and restoration - where you can influence it.
It will help you to “forgive and forget” if you focus on the things YOU can control and leave the rest to God. After all, as Romans 12:18 tells us: “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
You cannot make your spouse apologize or work on the marriage. Offer your own apologies, make changes that you can influence, and seek help or counseling if that is needed. Do what you can do, and pray for God to lead the rest.
4 - Continue to invest in the relationship - where you are emotionally able.
Pretending everything is fine is not going to be helpful. So yes, tell your husband where you’re struggling, even if you need more time before you can discuss it deeply together. Healing can take time.
But continuing the normal connection points in your marriage where you ARE emotionally able to will help you feel less overwhelmed by hard emotions.
So go on date nights. Be physically intimate. Do the dishes. Plan your annual vacation. Get marriage counseling. Do what you can, and seek help for specific areas where you continue to struggle.
5 - Keep no record of wrongs.
Yes, this is straight from 1 Corinthians 13:5! Even when forgiveness is occurring and you have “forgotten” by choosing to move on and pursue health in your relationship, the memory of what happened will pop back up from time to time.
When that happens, keep starting over. Feel the grief, renew your forgiveness, take action for healing, and invest in the relationship. Don’t expect that you will literally forget what happened. Even small things can stick with us for a long time. But by the Lord’s grace, those memories don’t have to impact your emotions or your marriage.
Listen to Episode #129
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